Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

#titanic

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

absolute chaos

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.