Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

Think I pulled my liver

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons