*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
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peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Breaking news:
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry