Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.