*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
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Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
good work, detective
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.