Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

lmfao come on

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

Always the camel, never the toe.