[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées