Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature