Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.