Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
They grow up so quick
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?