Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Meanwhile in Portland…

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.