“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
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*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
look scared
