Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

Lol

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh