Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And now we wait

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

Noah was an idiot.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.