Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.