Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

You Might Also Like


me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough


Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms


Robber: Nothin. Looks like someone’s been here before us.
Robber2: Ya, and they sure trashed the place.
Me *from under bed*: Maybe he’s just been busy.


Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.


No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.


Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read

Guy 2: Got it


Woman: So what-

Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?


COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!


Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.