Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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I put my pants on like everyone else….
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
A: Uh, seahorse
A: Sea cow.
A: Sea idiot!
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.