@C00LpenNAME

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

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@FredTaming

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

@mommajessiec

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

@d_duhwit

Robber: Nothin. Looks like someone’s been here before us.
Robber2: Ya, and they sure trashed the place.
Me *from under bed*: Maybe he’s just been busy.

@HTownHarold

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

@ThisOneSayz

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

@Mr_Kapowski

Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read

Guy 2: Got it

[date]

Woman: So what-

Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?

@scot7a

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

@TheOnlyMommaG

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.