Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?