[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
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I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Looking at you, Jesus.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁