Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.