[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
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Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again