Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.