Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
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Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died