Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the dark web is just a goth google.

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Had to try this trend 😊

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

Uh oh 👀

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me