getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
You Might Also Like
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.