Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
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Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
