Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
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me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”