Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
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If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree