Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.