Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

it takes so much energy

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.