me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“No. We had him cremated.”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.