Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
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“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount