Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.


If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.


Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth


“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“No. We had him cremated.”


A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?


Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year


DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”


Greatest Fears:
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks


If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.