getting groceries
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I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
My wife gives the best headache.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*