getting groceries
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*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?