Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
thoughts?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Managing expectations
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.