Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.