Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive