@anerdonfire2

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

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@david8hughes

[shipwreck diary]
Day 3: dude next to me can hold his breath for 3 days. Going on 4. Very impressive.

@TheOnlyMommaG

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

@KentWGraham

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

@BuckyIsotope

MAMA
Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
Just-
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor

@truegritrumble

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

@ericsshadow

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

@LoveNLunchmeat

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.