Day 3: dude next to me can hold his breath for 3 days. Going on 4. Very impressive.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
[inventor of Grape Nuts]
what if you could eat gravel?
Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.