Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?