“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
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Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see