*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
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Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
About to throw up
