*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
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Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables