*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
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My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…