Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR: