Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
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I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
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God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
so weird how every mom was born today
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs