Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
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My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
