Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

Worth the read.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Can’t, holding a grudge

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

(Musicians.)

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence