[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
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if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
early stone age tool
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps