Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.