getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
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I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
best first i’ve ever seen
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.