Getting hot and taking so many loads*
*Cooking chilli and doing laundry.
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
12653.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me