Getting hot and taking so many loads*
*Cooking chilli and doing laundry.
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Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.