Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

I can’t stop watching this.

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

Guantanamo Bae

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

Be vigilant

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster