Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

…

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

we all know this pain all too well

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog