[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
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[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in