Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Owl Sanctuary

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

How do I get a job writing these texts

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

Day 2 of my diet

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.