Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.