(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
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Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
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(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress