getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?