getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
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me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane