getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
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*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Tier 3 meme
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.