Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
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Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
No one:
London landlords:
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Bless you
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!