Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
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Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
the noise i just made
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
💀 😭
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Dammit Chief not again
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?