Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
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Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Suuuuure
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love