Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
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I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: