*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.