Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Cha-ching is my safe word