Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Childbirth is so beautiful
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank