Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
yeah not falling for this one
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.