Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I mean…but I did
u guys got any snacks onboard here
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE