[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
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My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.