[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
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has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
c’mon!
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
don’t be scared
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.