[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Oh my god
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”