*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
when dads have a rap battle
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I love it all
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”