Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed