*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
You Might Also Like
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.